Maya Doytchinova is a formulator of flower essences, with a background as a writer, teacher, consultant, dancer and creative concept developer. She is the founder and creator of The Truthing Lab, forged through her purpose of turning physical pain into psychological freedom.
“It is said that for most humans the ego fully develops by age 21. I had a whole 6 months to enjoy this fully developed ego until it was smashed up into smithereens. That’s when the nagging symptoms I had had for 7 years blew up into what we call “chronic illness.” This only becomes apparent after weeks turn into months, and months turn into years. The funny thing is when you are no longer in your own physical and psychological hell, it is easy to forget. To find a way through that actually allows forward movement was my goal. In other words, it is both healing and a cure. What that is is individual, to become a true individual is universal.
What’s in Your Way?
There is an axis, on one side stands pain, on the other, pleasure. Doesn’t it seem like most people spend far too much time avoiding one, while chasing the other?
At a time in my life when pain held reign, I began to see a woman near my grandparents’ family home on one of the southern islands of Denmark. Technically a massage therapist, but unofficially, what we’d call in the centuries past, a wise woman. One day, I felt at a breaking point, and I happened to be lying on her table, silent tears rolling down my face. “Do you know what stands in the centre of the axis of pain and pleasure?” She asked. I had to think about this one. Neutrality? Peace? “Freedom.” Ah.
Unbeknownst to me, this has become my purpose over the several years since.
pur·pose
/ˈpərpəs/
noun: purpose; plural noun: purposes
verb FORMAL
have as one's intention or objective.
"God has allowed suffering, even purposed it"
Definitions from Oxford Languages.
Definitions are important. Every time I worked one-on-one with a client, I would ask them what it is that they wanted. Not what was “realistic” (at least in their mind’s eye), not what they “thought” they wanted, and one step even lower, not what they thought they “should” want. “What do you truly want?” My favourite answer is always an honest one, and more often than not, it is simply, “I don’t know.”
That is THE strongest foundation to build upon. Why? Because when you do not automatically rush to fill in the blanks, there is space. I’ve got a corny joke here. Bear with me. What do you call Orion’s belt?
A big waist of space.
Terrible joke. I give it only three stars. My point is the greater the space, the brighter the star. Most of our ancestors would very literally look to the stars for direction. It’s in our language. “Follow your North star.” “He or she IS a star.” “Shine bright like a star.” “Star power,” is a description given to those who have not only found their purpose but embody it.
And that, ladies and gentleman, is the key. To embody something is to be something, and if you’re going to be anybody, I’d highly recommend it to be you. This is most famously the very final stage of The Hero’s Journey: Return with the Elixir. Here’s the rub, people don’t want help unless they ask for it. What people do want, although they often don’t know it, is to see that it is possible to self-actualize what was once potential. The reaction to this is varied. There can be admiration – the shadow of this, can be the urge to imitate. Although this is not a bad thing as long as it is used as a springboard only to get you started creatively. There can be envy or jealousy – I wouldn’t worry about this as much as you might think. Simply reframe it. “They have what I want.” And look at that, they just helped you to discover your answer.
In the same breath, it’s not more information that we need, but more action. I know, I know, I’ve heard the seemingly endless reasons, explanations, and fears of why not to. But that’s because we’ve dreamed too big. I’m fully aware that I may lose a lot of you here, but see if this resonates for you –
It’s not that what we want is too big, but dreaming, by definition, remains within the realm of the mind. The farther that moves away from your reality, the greater chance that beginning feels far too overwhelming to approach. It’s not effective. And it makes for a sad story to think of all the brilliant ideas that will never come to be.
What I have seen, and experienced myself, is that the greatest feat is to begin small, sometimes to an embarrassingly humble degree. This requires no dreaming. This requires looking at your environment through the lens of possibility. And remember who is looking through the lens. Perceive through your own cognitive filters. What catches your eye? What do you find beautiful? What engages you? And here is something that is a real mind twister – follow where you go, rather than where you think you want to go.
You can reverse this. Where are you already going? What are you already doing?
How do you “waste” time? That’s where you need to look honestly. There are two roads here. One, is a way of energy depletion, the other is a way of energy. Period.
“You must be the change you wish to see in the world.” – Mahatma Gandhi
Follow your energy. This is different from following what you feel like. I may feel like sitting and scrolling on my phone, but I know that that leads to depletion of my energy. I may not feel like putting on some of my favourite music and dancing, but I know that that leads to changing my energy for the better.
The beautiful thing about action is that through movement we not only create what we truly want, we become it.
What does energy have to do with purpose? They’re part of another axis. This one is fun. Ish. On one side stands purpose, on the other, inhibition. Doesn’t it seem like most people long for one, but give into the other?
The centre of this axis is energy. With purpose, energy expands, drives, and flows. With inhibition, energy slows down, restricts, and suppresses. Culture, conditioning, and judgment all participate in the force that keeps what we truly want at bay and masks it with all the reasons we explain, justify, and edit ourselves. Symptoms of inhibition include: using the words “realistic,” “can’t,” and “if only,” plus ever-present and underlying emotions of perfectionism, overwhelm, and implosive resentment.
Have I convinced you yet? You may be thinking, “Well, yeah, but that wasn’t necessary … Why do you think I’m reading this?” Okay, so maybe you’re already sold on the concept.
I haven’t been to a seminar, course, retreat, or workshop that doesn’t teach a clearly defined way to whatever outcome is promised. A lot of it is good advice. Good advice that I’ve asked for. Then why don’t I get that outcome? My instinct is to criticize what I have done and drive myself insane trying to “perfect” it. I’ll spare you the details of that depressing spiral, and instead share the wise words of Martha Beck that are as relevant here as to a man in the bedroom — “If what you’re doing isn’t working, don’t do it harder.”
Freedom and energy. There is a certain energy to freedom, and freedom has a certain energy. To be in the centre of any axis is to no longer be bound to the influence of outside forces. Not immune but resilient. The truth is I cannot fully articulate my purpose, yet when I am acting to be in integrity with my energy, and listen to what is present, then I know that my purpose is the essence that weaves through it all.
Kind of like all greater things in life; love, forgiveness, healing, truth, and orgasms, the more we rush, push, or force, the more it evades us. But the more we allow, open, and authentically connect, it’s there. Like any of the above, there are no words, you just kinda… know.
Just as you know when you are not living in alignment with your purpose. Or when you didn’t have an orgasm. There’s no need to fake it (or make it!) but to face what stands in your way.
Someone said that, “What stands in the way becomes the way.” It was probably Marcus Aurelius. Sounds like him. But the most pertinent part is the first line of his quote which is often left out. “The impediment to action advances action.”
At a time when I could not handle the pain that I was in, I sought freedom. I thought that the pain was the impediment to my freedom (and my energy for that matter), but it was something else entirely. I’m skipping the part where I spent far too many years trying to “free myself” from the pain (and chase pleasure, also for that matter). Apparently, to be free requires facing what inhibits my ability to act in accordance to what it is that I truly want. I cannot discover that if I am not honest with myself.
In this case, it’s easier done than said. Actions speak louder than words. What I embody knows the way when my mind doesn’t.
THE TRUTH SHALL SET YOU FREE
Overwhelmed by thoughts and emotions, I could not see clearly, let alone the truth. Now I know that the way to freedom is truth.
Truth, like purpose, is the essence of it all — all that you are and have the potential to become. Now you just have to prove it, which means that you have to face the very last thing that you want to see.
I’m all out of inspirational quotes. Nothing will make you “feel like it.” No one else will know your way. So, um, good luck. Just kidding. What I do know is that the tool for seeing what is, as it is, is in your hands, but the perception of what you see has, like most, been influenced. What can you do about that?
“I don’t know,” is where I began. And that was true. Also, an embarrassingly small step. This is where nature comes in with its law of momentum. Get out of the way. Let’s see what happens and how I respond. “How I respond,” is freedom in a nutshell. “How I react” no longer dictates my response system, and God, that’s freeing.
In this space, I get to see everything I’ve learned and distill the systems I’ve worked with in its truest essence. Literally and figuratively. What’s come out of this? An entire system to recalibrate the emotional system, reset personal perception, and through movement embody the very thing you can now see – your truth.
It’s another way to find your way. And along the way, purpose will make itself known.
Maya Doytchinova is the creator of The Truthing Lab.
