Jon Torrens is an introverted communication coach. He was a stand up comedian for 12 years and video game designer and has worked with Microsoft, University of Cambridge Judge Business School, Foster and Partners and Creative Assembly.
"What is It, Anyway?
I’m not sure if I know what my purpose is. The Japanese have a term for it: ‘Ikigai’. ‘Iki’ is ‘alive’ or ‘life’ and ‘gai’ is ‘benefit’ or ‘worth’. From Wikipedia: ‘According to a study by Michiko Kumano, feeling ikigai as described in Japanese usually means the feeling of accomplishment and fulfilment that follows when people pursue their passions. Activities that generate the feeling of ikigai are not forced on an individual; they are perceived as being spontaneous and undertaken willingly, and thus are personal and depend on a person's inner self.’ Also defined as:
· What you love
· What you’re good at
· What the world needs
· What you can get paid for
And from ikigai-living.com: ‘Evident in the pursuit of ikigai is that, it is a way of life that should demand your attention. It is a journey of self-discovery that requires one to look into oneself and find the purpose that imbues life with meaning and vitality.’ I think what you love is the obvious part of ikigai.
It's all about priorities, right?
Well, perhaps not. I discovered recently that the word ‘priority’ has only been used in the plural for the last eighty years or so. Before that, we only talked about our priority. Personally, I find this rather helpful when I start feeling anxious (several times a day). Does worrying about this thing this serve my purpose? It usually doesn’t.
My Purpose
When I think of my purpose, I think of my priority: my family. And when I dig a little deeper, I come back to countering what has been with me for much of my life: a dreadful sense of inadequacy. I think it comes from my education: as a slightly different child (one whose mind doesn’t store information as effectively as most people’s), school was a challenge. I think the teachers thought that I was stupid, lazy or both, but I had a good friends and got on well with most people. School taught me self-doubt.
In my twenties, I did stand-up comedy part-time for ten years and part-time for two years. For someone who struggles with being worthy, the unequivocal validation from a group of strangers was the sweetest, most addictive experience I had ever had. When I tell people that I did stand-up, they see courage, but - although it did require courage - the strongest motivation was a wonderfully warm acceptance and approval. I failed to become a professional stand-up comic, which reinforced my sense of inadequacy. Years later I saw that it was a very respectable experience – few make it and I gave it a good shot.
Full-time employment was also a challenge for me (I can rarely remember a set of instructions completely the first time I hear them), and one that ultimately resulted in a chillingly familiar failure. Even now my wife thinks I don’t listen. I do, I just don’t retain all the information. Worrying and the trying harder to remember had no effect.
However, I am now self-employed, and I’m making enough money to support my family doing something that I really enjoy, working less hours and being creative every day.
The anxieties come many times a day because that process is habitual. I counter every minor one (they’re usually minor) with the very helpful ‘nobody cares’.
One of my favourite moments is when I’m in the office and it’s dark and raining outside, because I feel safe and secure.
My purpose, then, is to provide for my family, and in doing so, to prove my worth to myself. To prove that I have value in this world.
There’s more, though. I enjoy certain feelings of discomfort and delaying gratification. For example, I will happily go for a run when it’s raining, because I know that being cold and wet will make retuning home and becoming warm and dry all the more enjoyable.
Similarly, taking the plunge of standing up in front of people to speak for forty-five minutes, or coaching a group of people for a day is one that – although I find it a challenge – I willingly undergo because I have the reward of relaxing afterwards waiting for me as a huge incentive. I call it ‘having an adventure’. There and back again.
I’ve always loved good stories, and I feel very heroic doing something hard that’s worthwhile combined with the challenge of doing something that’s uncomfortable.
Your Purpose
To identify your purpose you need to look at your situation from some sort of a distance; I recommend meditating, going for a really long walk on your own, getting slightly drunk, or (and this will be unpleasant and probably beyond your control) experiencing a horribly tough situation of some sort. All of these experiences can help because they provide perspective.
Then, when you’re able to see your situation from the helpful bird’s eye view, look at what consistent behaviours you’ve exhibited. What was driving you to do what you did? Or consider this question: what really matters to you? If you were on your deathbed right now, what would be your big regret?
If it it’s not having done enough, then your purpose is to get stuff done (vague - and obvious - perhaps, but it’s a good start). Mine would be letting my family down by not being there for them.
Here are some more things you might regret not having done:
· Making the change you wanted to see in the world.
· Expressing yourself.
· Spending enough time with your family.
Your purpose doesn’t have to be virtuous, of course. You may just want to
· Make flipping great wodges of cash.
· Defeat as many opponents as possible.
· Just cause havoc.
Having said that, if you are both the hero AND the villain in your story, your ultimate purpose may actually be to redeem yourself (you just don’t know it yet).
Conclusion
I recommend trying to identify your purpose. If you can crack this, it will help you with all the important decisions that you will need to make about your life, direction and future."
