It was not until he retired that Tom O'Connor discovered he had adult-child syndrome and post-traumatic stress disorder. He was the firstborn son raised by an excessive substance user and an enabling mother. In retirement, he found purpose in writing Discover Your Adult Child: Survival Skills With An Alcoholic Parent. This book combines personal experience with meticulous research to share practical knowledge and survival skills to help other adult children of substance use.
He also publishes a weekly Substance Use Disorder Vital Voyage Newsletter through his website at www.discoveryouradultchild.com.
Having a Purpose in Life
Having a purpose in life means having a central goal that gives your life direction and meaning. It can also mean believing your life’s activities are essential and make a positive difference.
People have different purposes throughout their lives because of their priorities, values, experiences and life stages. These differing purposes lead to a natural evolution in what they consider meaningful and fulfilling, making their “purpose” dynamic rather than a fixed concept. As people grow and encounter new situations, their goals and aspirations adapt accordingly.
Upon reflection, I realised I had five different purposes throughout my life. Each purpose responded to the challenges and opportunities I faced in various situations. After reading about my lifetime purposes, I challenge you to reflect on your life's purposes. This exercise can be enlightening and can help you understand the motivations behind your actions and decisions.
My First Purpose: Survival
According to my beginning research on substance use disorders and how they affect family members, I discovered children develop dysfunctional family roles to survive. In this research study, my father was labelled The Addict Parent. My mother was called The Enabler Parent. As the firstborn, I was labelled The Hero Child, while my younger brother was labelled The Lost Child.
Throughout our childhood, my brother and I faced almost daily trauma. Our home was a place of fear and uncertainty, with our mother's screams and our father's erratic behaviour a constant source of distress. Yet, we found the strength to endure and overcome these challenges.
As The Hero Child, I played my role in our chaotic, dysfunctional drama to restore honour to our family’s image and identity. Often taken on by the eldest child in such situations, this role is characterised by overachievement and a strong sense of responsibility. I threw myself into school activities like academics and sports, earning a full scholarship to college and excelling in sports. While this role brought me success, it also came with its own set of challenges and pressures.
Facing painful memories was a difficult challenge for me. As the hero child, my most critical time was 4:45 p.m., Monday through Friday. Precisely at that time, I peered out our living room window. I hoped to see my father arriving home. With his continued absence around 5:00 p.m., I knew he was on a drunken escapade. When my father finally came home, the yelling would start. When that event occurred, I feared for my little brother and me. As an adult, being on time and getting ready earlier than necessary wherever I go has been a lifetime trigger.
As an adult, my brother transferred much of his buried anger onto me. As his big brother, I was supposed to protect him. As the lost child, he had a non-existent relationship with our father, the addict parent. And much later he had a very close relationship with our mother, the enabler parent.
After my father died, my brother’s family strategy appeared to convince our mother to eliminate me from our family. In that way , he could have our mother love him solely. He would dote over her, which my mother required. In return, he would receive the love she had not provided him as a child.
My brother’s family strategy with our mother worked. My mother and brother resented my financial success. Owning my own consulting firm gave me opportunities to achieve high income levels. They resented my wife. My mother and brother never wanted me to marry. My mother wanted my financial resources and security, which her husband never provided her. My brother wanted my money for his children’s college education. They wanted my hero-child role to continue for their selfish needs throughout my adulthood, not for me to create my happy family.
As a result, my mother and brother joined forces to criticise our upscale home, my wife’s makeup and the clothes she chose to wear, how we dressed our children and chose private schools over public schools. My mother and brother were very critical of everything my wife and I accomplished. They were clearly very angry at me for getting married and having children.
My mother and brother eventually physically separated from contact with me, my wife, and children. My brother did not contact me when our mother fell gravely ill and died. I finally learned of her death and burial months after she passed away from outsiders.
I spent most of my adulthood burying and running away from my childhood and continued adult trauma. I feared that everyone would abandon me as my parents and brother had. I should have met the horrible memories head on as soon as I became an adult.
My Second Purpose: Make the U.S. Track & Field Olympic Team
During my high school years, my exit strategy was to run away from my dysfunctional home, with its parental rejection, heartache and endless trauma. I ran on my high school’s cross-country and track teams and instantly shone as a running success, winning race awards and a full track scholarship. However, I came short of winning enough races to make the Olympic team, so I had to change my purpose, moving forward quickly.
As a young adult, my sole purpose was running daily as a track star. In college, I did not seek academic interests and careers other than knowing I wanted to help others. I had a strong desire to impact people’s lives positively. My parents made a negative impact on my life other than some of the survival skills I learned. My parents didn’t provide their children with support and care. They lacked compassion and empathy for others. As a result of my survival skills from dysfunctional parents, I was motivated to help others overcome their challenges or improve their well-being, and this has been a rewarding journey.
My Third Purpose: Have a Profession That Helps Other People
My first career thought was to become a college track coach. My college cross-country/track coach, whom I admired, advised me to join The Sports Corps, which was part of The Peace Corps, and coach track athletes from a different country to gain a reputation and interest in becoming a college track coach in the U.S. I applied to serve in Africa, where great middle- and long-distance runners were achieving world fame. Sports Corps assigned me to Venezuela South America, so I turned down their assignment.
I then followed with several jobs in Non Profit residential treatment centres for children who came from poor, disruptive families in New York City. They were classified as a “person in need of supervision,” called PINS.
After working with Non Profit organisations, I transferred my desire to help others to the corporate world. I began my professional career as a business strategy consultant, coaching business owners and their leadership teams on how to profitably grow their revenue year after year. In 1982, I left the management consulting team where I worked for several years and started my business strategy consulting, which became the national leading business strategy consulting firm in every marketplace we entered. When I retired, my oldest son succeeded me as president and has continued to grow his company’s revenue year after year.
My Fourth Purpose: Build the Perfect Family
While working, I had two concurrent purposes. In addition to managing a national market-leading business strategy consulting firm, I wanted to build the perfect family with a wife and two children. My single goal was to create a better family than the one I came from, to become an ideal husband and father with a beautiful wife and two wonderful children.
As a baby boomer, my childhood vision was to replicate the television show The Adventures of Ozzie and Harriette. It was my continuous, waking dream where Ozzie Nelson was our father and Harriette Nelson was our mother. My brother and I would be their sons. I eagerly watched that television show weekly for 14 years. They came across as the perfect family – vastly different from my traumatic family experiences. Ozzie and Harriette epitomised the values of the 1950s and early 1960s as an All-American Family.
In my eyes, my wife and I had the perfect family: two great sons who were also high achievers, like their parents.
My Fifth Purpose: Self-Care
In retirement I realised the importance of caring for myself physically and mentally and making time for the things that bring me joy and fulfilment. This realisation has been a game-changer, and I encourage you to prioritise your well-being in your journey.
I retired at 70 years of age. It wasn’t until retirement that I paused and spent time dredging up my traumatic childhood. I researched children raised by alcoholics and discovered I had adult-child syndrome concurrently with post-traumatic disorder.
Self-care encompasses all actions to maintain and improve one’s physical, mental and emotional health. It involves recognising one's needs and taking action to fulfil them. Self-care can include physical activities like exercise. For example, I resumed running daily, albeit at a slower pace and shorter distances. Self-care also includes eating healthier foods, a daily challenge for me. Self-care also involves reading and writing, which I joyfully accomplish every day.
Summary
I learned trauma from adult child syndrome is a post-traumatic stress disorder in which suppressed pain from childhood re-emerges and is experienced, recreated and lived out in adulthood. It is the direct result of growing up with the traumatising dynamics of living with an untreated substance use disorder parent. As a child, I experienced low self-esteem, hyper-vigilance, issues with trust, difficulty with relationships and struggles with emotional regulation, which stemmed from underlying childhood trauma.
When a person is unable to get away from a highly stressful situation - that is, if their survival urge to flee toward safety is thwarted - they are more likely to develop PTSD than if they can discharge their physiological urge to run or protect themselves. How could we flee as children from our own homes? Where would we go? That description also fits me perfectly, with my adult-child syndrome overlapping with my PTSD.
For self-care, I have re-engaged with a talented therapist who specialises in adult-child syndrome, substance use disorders and co-occurring mental health disorders. I have become the happiest I have ever been in my life!
Again, what about you? Are you happy? What have been and currently are your purposes in life? How have they worked out for you?
Please keep in touch with me at discoveryouradultchild@gmail.com
Discover Your Adult Child: Survival Skills With An Alcoholic Parent is available on Amazon and Barnes & Noble
